Help & Hope

Last week I finally got around to seeing my doctor. I've been meaning to for months and months but daily life with 3 kids 4 years old and under has a way of speeding by. I can't believe my youngest is almost 16 months old, how did that happen! Well, the reason for seeing my doctor is that I've felt "off", not quite myself, for a long time. I've been feeling like I am 12 years old again - everything feels extreme... Happy, sad, angry, frustrated... It feels like I've been on a junior high type emotional roller coaster. Every night as I was going to sleep, I would feel like I had failed again. I would pray and ask God to forgive me for yelling at my kids again, ask Him to help me be a better mom again. Beg Him again to help me to see them as He sees them and not just be frustrated with them all the time.

Baby number 3 was an induced labor and I am very sensitive to medications... They kinda work too well. Anyhow, I figured my hormones were a bit off, and it was time to get everything back in line. My husband finally made me make an appointment after months of talking about it. The doctor asked about all manner of things and then she said "Ok, so now for a tough question... Could you be depressed?" I burst into tears and squeaked out "I don't know." She was very understanding, handed me a tissue and began to talk about Postpartum Depression - PPD. Everything snapped into place...it all fit... All things that I just thought were part of being a mom of young kiddos were symptoms. I never felt any desire to drive my minivan with all three kids off a cliff, or to harm myself in anyway, that is the extreme side of PPD. But headaches, trouble staying asleep, back aches, moodiness, weeping about articles on moms or kids, easily frustrated, easily angered, lethargy... ALL. THE. TIME. These can be some of the symptoms of PPD. And PPD does not only happen to first time moms - it can happen with any birth. It can even be experienced by adoptive parents and dads. I thought what I was experiencing was just part of having 3 kids so close together. My doctor assured me that some of what I have been feeling is just that - the hard demands of motherhood - but feelings to the extreme and feeling it everyday is another matter -- that is postpartum depression. She told me that my job as mom & wife is to take care of my family - that her job as my doctor is to take care of me, and to help ME take care of me.

So now the road to getting better, to feeling more like myself, is laid out before me. The friends and family with whom I've shared have been supportive. But most seem to say the same things, "You need to cut yourself some slack," and "You're too hard on yourself." And that is probably true, but it is also more than that. This is NOT in any way my fault. I haven't done something wrong to cause this. This is a disorder. And thankfully one that has a cure. With my doctors supervision, I will be on a mild antidepressant for a little while, I will have regular sessions with a therapist to begin healing mentally and to learn better coping strategies, I will carve out regular time to pour into me - to reconnect with the things that bring me joy outside of my family, and I will once again begin to exercise daily & take care of my physical self. As a people pleaser it is going to be a challenge to not put myself last on the list anymore. It will be a challenge to place a priority on time to meet with a therapist and to carve out that daily hour for time just for me. And it will be a challenge to be the one asking for help and not just giving help. But the alternative is no one getting the best of who I can be. And that is simply no longer an option.

And so today I got up early again and walked the treadmill. I took some time to read my Bible and start this blog post. Today I thank God for an answer to prayer. I thank God for a great doctor who is compassionate and knowledgeable. I thank God for my husband who pushed me to finally get help. I thank God for a plan to better health and a better me. I thank God that I now have the hope of being more like the mom and wife I've always wanted to be, through help.